


you could never swing that 1000 degree dagger

by bodysharing (salvainterra)



Series: YCNSTD [2]
Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Gen, Youtuber AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 20:37:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18351263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salvainterra/pseuds/bodysharing
Summary: Link finds a dumpster kid. Chaos ensues.2019 April fools fic for YCNSTD!





	you could never swing that 1000 degree dagger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

\---

 

Link's in the middle of a supply run when it happens. He hears the snuffling as he passes a nearby alleyway, and backtracks, setting his bags full of empty milk jugs down. The others always nag him about picking up strays, but if there’s a dog scrounging around for food, there’s no reason he shouldn’t help.

 

He traces the low noises to a nearby dumpster, tucked into the back of the dead end alley. The dumpster is next to the backdoor of a small bistro, so the dog has good taste, at least. He lifts the lid up quietly, so as not to spook whatever creature is inside, but as soon as light seeps into the dumpster, there’s a loud thump, and then a distinctly non-animalistic grunt of pain. Link blinks.

 

The kid sitting half-entrenched in a dumpster blinks back. They appear to be pointing a boxcutter at him.

 

They continue staring at each other for a long moment, and then the kid pulls themself into a crouch, narrowing their eyes at him. “Leave me be, devil!”

 

They jab the blade out at him in warning. Link ignores that and studies the emaciated frame of the dumpster child.

 

… Huh.

 

Well. There’s really only one thing to do in this sort of situation.

 

\---

 

 

 

 

\---

 

Link ignores the buzzing of his phone as he opens his front door with his elbow. He’s got the kid tucked under one arm, and the three bags of empty milk jugs hanging from the other, so he doesn’t have too much room to maneuver.

 

Luckily, the kid seems to have decided to stop stabbing him after the first few jabs elicited exactly no reaction. Great! He loves not having to deal with too much blood loss.

 

He sets the jugs down on his table, and then picks the kid up under the armpits and carries them directly to the bathroom. They’re complaining loudly, but apparently nobody had taught them how to bite strangers yet. Concerning.

 

“Release me, fiend! You’re _disrupting_ my trials!” they howl, flailing their limbs. Link sets them in the shower. They pause, seemingly surprised at being freed, but quickly back up further into the shower to put some distance between them and Link.

 

“What trickery is this?” they demand, pointing at him rudely. “I will bring the calamity’s wrath down upon you if you don’t--”

 

Link turns on the shower.

 

“AGH!” The kid goes to shelter their head from the water, and then immediately slips and falls on their back. “ _WHY?_ ”

 

“Smelly,” Link signs, and then repeats the sign a few times for emphasis.

 

\---

 

 

 

Link sighs, glancing up at his bedroom door. The kid, who he's dubbed Milk, had barricaded themself inside. Going by the noise, they were probably destroying all his belongings. Well, at least they weren’t covered in dumpster slime anymore!

 

He silences his phone, setting it aside so he can focus on slapping more bandages on his child-inflicted stab wounds.

 

It was going to be a long adjustment period.

 

\---

 

**6 MONTHS LATER**

 

 

b/conspiracytheories

 

SnoopBusters [11/23/XX] - TRUTH BEHIND DURIANDESTROYER

 

ok guys, hear me out here.

 

I'm sure most of us know at least the basics about DurianDestroyer on youtube, since he became a meme a while back. (see DDdestroyingmywilltolive.jpg for example)

 

BUT this isn't about that. This is about his mysterious disappearance from all social media a few months back, and the ghost.

 

What ghost, you ask?

 

Well, recently I noticed something while my roommate was bingeing his latest videos. For your viewing pleasure, my evidence:

 

**(edit: ok so apparently the image links broke. whatever im too lazy to restore them. just WATCH dd's videos and you'll see what im talking about)**

 

[Image ID: compilation of a bunch of blurry shots of DD's videos, lined up in a 3x4 grid]

 

Now, I can already hear your doubt. Just normal screenshots, right? Wrong.   

 

[Image ID: same pic but a blurry smudge is circled in red in each picture]

 

I KNOW something's there, I just cant figure out what kind of ghost. Thoughts, all?

 

GODISAHORSE: stop ghostposting it’s literally all you do. Someone @ the mods

 

.Bigfootluvr: bigfoot

 

.MoonIsFake: oh shit! this guys been fabricating his property destruction all along. i knew it was a green screen

 

NASAhidGodInTheMoon: idk. Sounds far-fetched

 

IdiotDetective: oh man, i found some screenshots like that too! here

 

_Show 34 More Comments_

 

SnoopBusters [12/02/XX] - TBDD CONTINUED

 

Ok after many _unhelpful_ comments the options I've got are:

  * ghost
  * brother
  * ghost brother
  * ghost horse
  * long con (questionable)
  * cat



 

Now, I've put together a detailed analysis on each answer, the evidence and lack thereof, supplemented by screenshots of course.

 

To start, the most likely theory is a ghost.

 

_Read More…_

ShouldBWritingThesis: tldr. post some REAL conspiracies

 

.Bigfootluvr: its fucking bigfoot im telling you

 

'Moneycat: hey, check out this bumblr post, i think this might be your ‘ghost

 

SnoopBusters [12/19/XX] - TBDD UPDATE!

 

BREAKTHROUGH!!!

 

User Moneycat drew a relevant post to my attention, titled “Compilation of xXxRATIONALITYxNATIONxXx Comments on DD Videos” and containing screenshots from several DD videos, all by the same user. Generally accepted as a troll. Here’s a few for examples:

 

 

 

 

You get the picture.

 

On a whim, I decided to follow the comments to their source, the user’s own channel. and you won't BELIEVE what I found.  

 

 

 

Pretty standard fare for what appears to be a dumb kid on YT, right? Wrong. Check out these videos. I’ll go over what happens in them for ease of access(ignoring the hour long horse video).

 

In the oldest video, we see the person holding the camera run through a house, and then approach a person sleeping, sprawled across the couch. Upon getting closer, we can realize that the person is actually DurianDestroyer. The person holding the camera (we’ll call them Ghost; nobody can prove they’re not.) stands there for a moment, and then pours an entire carton of milk over DD’s head, resulting in a disorienting wake up call. Ghost then immediately sprints away, and the video ends.

 

In the second video, the camera is once again held by Ghost. They rattle the doorknob of what appears to be a locked bedroom, and then yell something along the lines of “LET ME IN! I WANT TO WATCH TV!” There’s silence for a moment, and then a folded piece of paper slides out from under the door. They pick it up and open it, revealing that it reads “no. you’re grounded.” The video then cuts off on Ghost rattling the doorknob again while howling at the top of their lungs.

 

The next video after that is just a clip of them talking to a very large dog in a trashed bedroom, explaining absolutely nothing, but THEN we get their most recent upload, which is them yelling loudly over the sound of DD destroying a huge glass sculpture with a steel baseball bat. Something about "cowardice in the face of the truth"? Anyways, I think this is pretty clear proof. 

 

Obviously, DD took a hiatus because he was super haunted by a youtuber ghost, and even now he's trying to get back into the swing of things. Anyone see more haunted uploads in our future?

 

GODISAHORSE: oh my fucking god

 

.IdiotDetective: bro… thats… he adopted a kid. its not a ghost

 

.Bigfootluvr: even i know by now that its not bigfoot

 

?Gamergirl420: DD ADOPTED A KID

 

SnoopBusters [2/11/XX] - TBDD Cont.

 

Ok, so it wasn't a ghost. Whatever. None of you guys were right either.

 

How did he even get a kid, anyways?

**Author's Note:**

> tune in next time for part 2: milk tries to fistfight a bodybuilder and link punches something that should not be punched by a human hand!
> 
>  
> 
> \--
> 
> if you cant see the images in the chapter, first of all. im very sorry. second of all, they're all stored here: https://imgur.com/a/zSX2TPx
> 
> if that still doesnt work, try the @bodysharing tumblr! ill be posting the edits there after a bit.
> 
> art, as always, by the wonderful @westerngenre


End file.
